Lum and Abner episode from September 7, 1942.
Lum: Well, howdy, Mousey.
Mousey: Hello, Lum.
Lum: Are you figurin’ on takin’ a trip, too?
Mousey: No, sir.
Lum: Well, what’re you doin’ here at the travel bureau, then?
Mousey: You see, I work here, Lum.
Lum: Well, I do know. Good for you, Mousey! Uh… where abouts is the manager? I need to speak to him.
Mousey: Well, you’re speakin’ to him right now, Lum.
Mousey: I’m the manager.
Lum: You are?!
Mousey: Yessir. See, we just opened up this mornin’, Lum, and already this office seems just like a mother to me.
Lum: That don’t s’prise me none.
Mousey: Oh, I just love the rugged life of a travel agency, Lum.
Lum: Well, tell me, Mousey, do you actual have all these trips all planned out? A streamlined bus and all that stuff?
Mousey: Yessir. See, all you do, Lum, is just pay one price and that includes your meals and lodging and ever’thing.
Lum: Well, if that’s actual so, that sounds pretty good. Where do these trips of yours take a fella?
Mousey: Oh, we go ever’where, Lum. All over the country. Uh… let me run through some of our files here and make some suggestions.
Lum: Yeah. Yeah. Run through your files there. I’m curious to know where all you go.
Mousey: Well, now, here’s one. You could take Trip 16-B, or 21-K… 51-F… 85-M… 49-L…
Lum: Well, I can’t tell anything by them numbers.
Mousey: Well, that’s the numbers of the different trips, Lum. That shows where all they go. 23-W… 62-F… 37-J….
Lum: Well, where does some of ’em go?
Mousey: Oh, California… Florida… rock-bound coast of Maine… pine-covered hills of Oregon… ever’where, Lum.
Lum: Well, let’s see. This is fun. I b’lieve we’ll take 73-W. Sounds like a good ‘un.
Mousey: Uh, did you say 73-W?
Lum: Yeah. Where does that ‘un go to?
Mousey: Well, we recommend 16-B.
Lum: Well, I don’t think I’d want that ‘un. Doesn’t sound so good. I want that 73-W.
Mousey: Uh, you’ll find that 16-B is awful delightful.
Lum: Well, I don’t care. I want that 73-W or none at all.
Mousey: Well, all right, but it’ll sound a lot like 16-B.
Lum: A lot like it?
Mousey: I’m ‘fraid it will. Let’s see now. Here’s the folder on it, Lum. The Midwest Economy Travel Tour Number 16-B. Price: $6.95. Isn’t that reasonable, Lum?
Lum: Yeah, but just a minute. I told you I didn’t want 16-B.
Mousey: Well, I’m ‘fraid you’ll have to take that, Lum. See, it’s our best one. Well, in fact, it’s the only one we’ve got planned out so far.
Lum: Oh. I see. I orta figured somethin’ like that. Well, where’bouts does this ‘un take us, 16-B?
Mousey: Clear to Cherry Hill and back!
Lum: Cherry Hill?! Grannies, we wanna go somewheres further than Cherry Hill on our vacate.
Mousey: Well, it’ll seem farther when you travel with us, Lum.
Lum: I wouldn’t be surpised. But, we don’t want that trip.
Mousey: You’ll find it’s very delightful. Just listen to the folder here on it, Lum. The Midwest Economy Streamlined Bus leaves picturesque Pine Ridge at 6:30 a.m. We recommend that all passengers be here not later than 6:15 attired in suitable traveling clothes, including overcoat…
Lum: Overcoat?! At this time of the year?
Mousey: Yessir. You see, uh, the bus is sort of an open bus, I guess you’d call it. More fresh air that-a way. It’s healthier and you get the sunshine and the fresh air.
Lum: Oh, yeah. Well, I think I’ve heared enough, Mousey. I better get back to the store.
Mousey: Well, wait a minute, Lum.You wanna hear all of this. We also recommend that all passengers pack a light lunch…
Lum: Light lunch?! I thought you said that one price included the meals, too.
Mousey: It does, Lum. But, well, confidentially, I wanna tell you the truth about this. Gussie isn’t a very good cook. I’d pack my own lunch if I were you.
Lum: Oh, I see. Your woman fixes the meals. That’s all I need to know. Well, I’ll drop in and see you some other time.
Mousey: Wait a minute, though, Lum. I’m just getting down to the good part now.
Lum: Anything would sound good now. Go ahead.
Mousey: Let’s see now. Where was I? Oh, yes. We leave picturesque Pine Ridge at 6:30 a.m. and spin down the beautiful highway. The rosy colored morning sun filtering through the verdent green leaves…
Lum: That’s a different way than I’ve ever went to Cherry Hill. I can say that.
Mousey: At 6:45 our jolly band halts for a brief sight-seeing trip around picturesque Red Rock Quarry.
Lum: Red Rock Quarry?!
Mousey: Yessir. You know where that is, don’t you, Lum?
Lum: Why, sure I do. I don’t wanna stop and look at that thing. It’s nothin’ but a hole in the ground. Besides, I’ve saw it a hundred or a thousand times.
Mousey: Well, it isn’t particularly interesting, I don’t guess, Lum. But this stop is more or less of a precautionary measure.
Lum: It’s a what?
Mousey: Well, see, this gives the bus driver a chance to look over the tires. See our tires aren’t very good, Lum.
Lum: They ain’t, huh?
Mousey: No. We’ve got two spares. There’s nothin’ to worry about. Well, let’s see, I’ll continue here. Our jolly band spins on down the highway and at 7:10 we pause briefly at picturesque Old Mac’s Filling Station.
Lum: Fillin’ Station?! Are we out of gas already?
Mousey: Well, no sir. This is just another precautionary measure. It gives the driver a chance to put air in the tires that has a slow leak in them. Our gay party speeds on down the broad highway pausing briefly at 7:30 to view the picturesque silo on Ned Lubbock’s farm.
Lum: Another ‘cautionary measure, huh?
Mousey: Yes sir. At 8:15 our holiday band halts at delightful, historical Elderberry Grove for a happy picnic lunch…
Lum: Lunch?! At 8:15 in the mornin’?
Mousey: Well, you might as well be doin’ somethin’ while our driver changes tires.
Lum: Well, how do you know he’s gonna have a flat tire right there?
Mousey: Well, he’s bound to. See, we tested this all out, Lum, and, well, we had a blowout right there. This is no fly-by-night scheme, Lum. It’s all scientifically planned.
Lum: Yeah. I can see that.
Mousey: At 9:15 we resume our carefree journey singing many old favorites as we spin down the beautiful highway…
Lum: Wait a minute, Mousey. No use readin’ any more of that travel folder ’cause we ain’t gonna take that Trip 16-B. I can tell you that right now.
Mousey: Well, Lum, you’ll enjoy it’s many breath-taking sights.
Lum: I’ve already saw most of ’em.
Mousey: You’ll toss cares to the wind and meet interesting new people, Lum.
Lum: We will, huh?
Mousey: Yessir. We need the money awful bad, too, Lum.
Lum: You do?
Lum: Well, I don’t know. In that case, we might consider it, maybe.
Mousey: Would you really?
Lum: Just for one day, though. We don’t want this to ruin our whole vacate.
Mousey: That’s wonderful, Lum. We’ll give you a special rate. You’re our first customer.
Lum: No, don’t do that. Long as you need the money, you better charge us full price.
Cedric: (Coming in.) Well, wonderful world! Oh, hello, Mr. Lum. What’re you doin’ here?
Mousey: Well, he’s just signed up for Trip 16-B, Cedric. Isn’t that wonderful?
Cedric: Yes mom. Uh, can I see you alone for a minute, Mr. Mousey?
Mousey: Alone? Why, I guess so. Will you excuse us, Lum?
Lum: Yeah. Go ahead. (Cedric and Mousey whispering.)
Mousey: Uh, Lum. I’m afraid that you can’t take Trip 16-B.
Lum: I can’t? Why not?
Mousey: Well, my bus driver just now informed me that he’s blown out three more tires.